Newly single? Are you freshly out of a relationship and feeling scared, lonely and desperate? Those are all normal feelings. Many newly single people don’t have a clue about the perils that potentially lie ahead. Unfortunately, one of the first things women (and men!) do is try to fill the gaping hole that has just broken open in their hearts and lives.
Why are we so afraid of feelings those feelings? So afraid of being swallowed whole by the waves of sadness that flood our evenings spent flipping through reality TV, eating crappy food and wondering if the next 20 years will be more of the same? Anything to fill the void.
When you have spent your life, up to this point, with another human being, no matter how bad the relationship was; it was at least, another warm body. The cold silence or the bitter fights were something. At first, the aloneness is a relief. Sweet peacefulness. Now there is emptiness. Just you and your thoughts. Fears creep in; is this my life now? Am I destined to be alone and have no one to love me? Your brain screams at you to “ESCAPE THE LONLINESS!”
Then you remember seeing ads on TV of happy couples having met their soulmate on an internet dating site. The promise of true love! That is the missing piece! Replace that ex-spouse with someone fresh and new!
You have not done the work to understand what went wrong previously to prevent it happening again. And it WILL happen again.
“A BROKEN HEART HEALS WHEN WE ALLOW THE HEALING TO GO AS DEEP AS THE WOUND WENT…”
Taking the time to be completely honest with yourself and look inside will be the only way to keep from repeating the mistake again. This work is imperative. It MUST be done if you ever want to be happy and healthy again. Is it easy? Hell, no! It’s painful to honestly look at the decisions we’ve made to get us where we are. It takes a gladiator, a warrior to peel back the layers of bad choices and uncover the truth.
We are a very fast-paced society. Everything needs to happen NOW. When we don’t take the time to do the work that is necessary to become truly healed and healthy, mentally and emotionally. We take our baggage from past relationships into the future, expecting things will be different this time. They won’t be.
I have a girlfriend who had a long string of emotionally abusive relationships. She once told me they were all the same guy, just different faces.
She realized she had a “type” of guy she was drawn to. Strong, confident, a leader; they made her feel “safe”. What she later determined was that she ended up needing protection from them. They became controlling, overbearing and emotionally abusive.
She learned to give in over and over to keep the peace, all the while shrinking her own soul in the process. It took her over 10 years to build up the strength and confidence in herself to leave her last husband. She was determined to face her own demons before she left him. Otherwise, she knew she would just replace him with another ‘face’.
It took her years to do this. He didn’t know what she was doing during those sessions with her personal trainer (me!) and her therapist. She was building a steel core both in her body and in her mind.
All the years she spent understanding herself and her motives finally paid off. She became powerful, independent, self-assured, and confident. She is living the life she dreamed about while in her “relationship prison”.
Now she lives in a gorgeous condo with a sweeping view of the waterfront, decorated exactly as she wants it. She has the career of her dreams and is 100% single. I had dinner with her the other night and asked her if she had any thoughts or desires of dating again. “Absolutely NOT.” Was her reply. “Why would I risk everything I have built only to lose myself in another relationship? I have worked too hard to get where I am. I have no desire to share my life with anyone.”
She is traveling to Italy next month to attend a relative’s wedding, alone. I sat in awe of her. The woman I met over 10 years ago is a shadow of the bold, confident truly happy woman she is today. She did the work. She was brave and kept pushing forward, determined to heal her past and create her dream life.
This example of ‘doing the work’ does not mean I am against being in a relationship. There is nothing like having a thriving, fun, healthy, balanced partner to share your life with. This is what it’s all about! The problem is we want this kind of relationship, not understanding we cannot have it if we are not healthy and balanced within ourselves.
Many times, we do not do the work and just hope for the loving, fulfilling dream of a happy relationship. How can we achieve this goal of becoming healthy and balanced in all areas of our life? Do the work. Go to the library and check out books on healing your past. Talk to a really honest friend who will tell it to you straight. Pull off the shroud of self-denial. Hire a therapist. Hire a Life Coach. Dive in full on.
Have the true courage to face what has been holding you back. Making excuses, telling yourself “it’s too hard”, will only keep you stuck and miserable, repeating the same problems over and over. It’s time to be a warrior for yourself.
Have you heard crazy stories of people who are “fake, liars, or only out for sex”? They are out there, for sure! When we don’t know ourselves, we become unintentional prey to these people which causes further damage to our self-esteem and confidence. We question our instincts and lose hope in finding real love. Internet dating will mess you up if you are not healed inside yourself and have a plan of action when you embark on this potentially hazardous adventure!
Need support, healing and a path to finding your best self? This work is my passion! I love helping women find and remove the blocks that keep them from living an authentic, passion-filled life. I would love to work with you!